A week or so ago, I have accepted a challenge of writing a blog/Note a day for the next year and a day. So, starting today, I shall begin...
The year 2011 has been one filled with amazing twists and turns, letting go and letting in. Turning points, defining moments, friends lost and gained, of moving out and moving on.
January 1st began a frenzy of packing and preparations to move from a house I lived in for some 10 years. February 1st saw me move into an apartment building, a box within a box type accommodations, and I had no idea what was in store for me here. But I settled in quickly and really loved the feeling of security. It was somethng brand new, a clean slate. It involved another huge purge which made me feel as though I was closing chapters in my life. And beginning new ones.
Shortly after I moved in, I realized that friends who were instrumental in making this move happen began to make my life unpleasant. I ended the friendships and realized I'd have to live with the discomfort of being in the same building together. But new friends moved in, the Red Tent flourished...
My health took a downturn this summer. Back in September I wrote the following:
- " Insomnia – it’s been about two months since I’ve had a run of solid nights’ sleep. Very few dreams, and every night it’s a struggle. Even naps are difficult to achieve, and I don’t remember the last time I had one.
- I am wondering if my decision to not work any more may be contributing to this feeling – like it’s a let-down. There are many projects I have at home to keep me busy, but again, the low energy is interfering with any sort of production.
- I keep saying that if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was depressed. I’ve had this feeling before, many times – low energy, inability to sleep, avoiding contact with other people (Moot is on tonight, but I can’t go. It’s also Felix’s birthday, and I couldn’t attend his party), not able to think clearly, totally unmotivated to do the simplest task, nothing holding my attention or delighting me any more.
- I’ve been absent from my Priestess duties. Mabon came and went, but I had no ritual or ceremony. And yet, with this like with any other venture, it’s difficult to get motivated.
- The continuing heat is weighing me down very much. The idea of going out for a walk or to go swimming is quickly rejected because I feel I’m going to pass out every time I set foot outside."
Dizzy spells began to overwhelm me in June, and as a result of that I had to find myself a new doctor and give up work. It took me a long time to realize how deeply this affected me, especially the retirement. I remember waking up one morning after a horrible night of tossing and turning, and realizing that never again would I be doing certain things - never again, would I be looking for a job, or anticipating a new assignment, or worrying about that next paycheque. Never would I have to hurry to catch the bus and think what I should pack for lunch. It was over. Done.
I looked forward to this day, when I would stop working, so I could "really start working", but when it came, I found the adjustment very difficult. No structure to the day, except what I impose on myself, meant a new way of time-management and self-discipline. It was a difficult concept to grasp, much less implement. The summer heat did not help - I had to finally acknowledge that summers were getting worse and worse for my health. In spite of two AC's running at full capacity 24/7, I found myself burning up, unable to breathe, unable to enjoy the beauty of the mountain from my balcony, because going out onto the balcony meant sufficating in the stifling heat and humidity. Summer festivals like WiccanFest would now be out of my life because of this - another closure.
And so I gave myself over to grieving and mourning for huge parts of my life that have come to a halt. It was as inevitable as my next breath, as birth and death, just another milestone on the road of Life. Of course, I didn't recognize this as grieving and mourning, but I did recognize this as depression. It had to run its course, and once it did I emerged a little bit wiser, a little bit lighter, and able to see around me a little bit more clearly.
While all this was going on, there were some great things happening too - contact with my father, the evolution of The Red Tent, taking studies from Wise Woman's University, my duties as wedding officiant - all these enhanced my life, filling in the spaces of what I had to let go of.
And now, on the brink of the New Year, I stand at the edge of something brand a new. Like a Phoenix reborn, like a serpant whose skin has been shed, I throw wide my arms to welcome whatever challenges come my way.
I am a Crone, and I am ready to take my place among the Wise Women!!
Happy New Year!!
