About A Photo Seen Yesterday on Facebook...

Yesterday, I saw a picture posted on the Home page that really upset me.  Everyone else thought it was funny, and it got shared and more people laughed at it, but all I could do was shudder every time it went by.  I want to now explain why I felt the way I did.

It was a photo of a tee-shirt which read, "DADD:  Dads Against Daughters Dating.  Shoot the first one and the word will spread".

I find it hard to imagine what is so funny about this.  It immediately speaks of harsh control, instant judgement, and patriarchy.  It hides the young women behind high walls, while teaching the young men that none are good enough.  It implies that developing healthy relationships between young men and women is wrong.  That SEX is wrong.  

So why do I feel so strongly about this?  Quite simply, because I was married to a man who thought like this, not in jest, but in an unwavering conviction.  When my daughters were but six or seven years old, he was already warning them that boys were bad, and they were to stay away from them.  By the time they were ten, he was talking in terms of them being sluts - yes, SLUTS!! - if they were seen speaking with neighbourhood boys, children with whom they went to school with and played with for years.  By the time the twins were 14, one of them tried to commit suicide because she could not tolerate the pressures that were put on her by her own father!

In the Middle East this ideology reigns supreme - women hidden behind veils, not able to speak or have a voice, where marriages are arranged, marital rape and abuse not only tolerated but endorsed.  Yes, perhaps I'm reading too much into this "innocent" statement, but I've seen too much of this attitude in real life.  

What makes men think they can continue to perpetuate this kind of thinking?  What makes women think they need to tolerate it?  It hasn't worked up until now, what makes you think it will ever work?

It is an outrage and an offense to me.  No, indeed, I see nothing to even smile about in reading such a statement.  

ANGST - Part 3, or The Land, The People, The Traditions...

Recently, I've been speaking with a Scottish lady who is extremely proud of her heritage and country, and this started me thinking about how people are tied to their land.  Speak to anyone who has come from Europe or The British Isles or Africa, and you will find something very deep and mystical about their connection to their land.  Not just the country - but the land itself!

Pagans everywhere talk of this, but somehow here in North America it's not the same thing.  We're too new here.  This land in Canada really belongs to the First Nations people.  (I'm not trying to make any political statement here, only a spiritual one.)  They know every grain of sand, every tree, every body of water, each insect and bird as the connective sinews that bind them to the land and to The Great Spirit.  We can barely discern this yet.  We see the same trees and lakes, but only superficially, only on the surface.  They have not yet yeilded up their mysteries to us completely.

My father has that quality when he speaks about Russia and the Ukraine.  He speaks about the birch trees and that particular colour of blue the sky has in the autumn; it is not found anywhere else!  When he said that the Old Testiment of the Bible was written by the Jewish people for the Jewish people, there it was again - he recognized how strongly those stories spoke to the Hebrew people; and although adopted by people everywhere in the world, still these stories remain uniquely Jewish.

My recent angst and rant was fueled by the frustration that the true sense of community is still missing from pagan circles today, and perhaps this is lacking because we are all so new to this country/land.  We do not know how to totally connect with this part of the Earth and each other.  Our parents and their parents before them have brought their strange ways over to a land that is steeped in its own traditions and we are all trying to fit into it.

Transplanted values, transplanted Gods and Goddesses, transplanted traditions always take time to work themselves into a new setting.

A few years ago, I had the great privilege of harvesting and processing sweetgrass.  This small act has brought me understanding and connection to the native land.  It was very superficial - barely a scratch on the surface - but I sensed something here that was truly of this culture and tradition.  As elusive as it was, it opened my understanding of something not transplanted, but genuinely "here".  

Now that is true tradition! 

Moments that Count..

Written on October 5, 2011


The memories of yesterday are very, very precious to me.  I spent a glorious day with my father.  There will not be too many of these left for us but whatever time we have will be beyond price.

I was on the bus to Brantford early, at 8 am, and arrived there just in time to see my dad getting off the local bus.  We then hopped onto another bus.  This reminded me as to why I could never live in a city smaller than Hamilton - the transit system just plain sucks!!  And yet, this is what my dad does on a daily basis; it takes him at least an hour to get to his favourite store, Walmart.  We went there to have breakfast and to do shopping for me - he insisted!

And at his insistance, I bought a pack of socks and a pair of tights.  He scorned that and told me to pick out something "pretty".  Resigned, I went through the woman's clothing section and finally chose a beautiful silver-gray top with bling.  At that point I discovered that while that department was huge, taking up a lot of floor space, there was not a skirt to be found!  I couldn't believe it!  Hundreds and hundreds of tops, blouses and sweaters, maybe four racks of pants that were totally unsuitable for me, even a couple of racks of dresses, but no skirts!  Totally disappointed, I went to the electronics section and got some computer speakers.  I felt much more at home there.

Anyways, I showed dad the blouse, and he cast a dubious glance at it.  "A bit low-cut", he observed.  I laughed, and asked what exactly he meant by that.  Ah dads!  Still so protective...Another two hours later of the torturous bus rides, we finally arrived at his apartment.  There he got busy setting out the dinner he had made: beautiful stewed perch in a savory sauce, mashed potatoes, salad, peas, fresh bread and a glass of red wine (who said that red wine can't go with fish?).  It was a joy to toast his health, and enjoy this wonderful repast with him!  Leisurely, easily talking of many things, we shared this meal.  French vanilla ice cream topped with fresh raspberries was the dessert.

I took the opportunity to straighten out his telephone woes after lunch, and then we settled down for more conversation.  I must admit that at this point, I was hard-pressed to know what to talk about, when (praise the Goddess!) an opportunity opened up.  He showed me a book he's reading on Leonardo Da Vinci and commented on his "The Last Supper".  I asked if he's ever read "The Da Vinci Code", and while he didn't, he knew about it.  "Of course, Mary Magdaline and Jesus were married and had a son!" he declared, as though there was absolutely no doubt about it!  He went on to say that while he still considers himself a Christian, it's because of a life-long practice rather than any strong belief; he couldn't see how God could ever have a Son; that most of the Bible, especially the Old Testiment, was written by the Jewish people for the Jewish people and should remain there; that most of the sacred writings were butchered by the early Catholic church to suit its needs; that he didn't believe either in Hell or Paradise, that once he died there would be nothing.  "You were Christian once," he finished off, "do you still believe in God?"  Something in the way he said this led me to think that he knew something was different about me.

My mouth fell open at all these revelations - I was totally stunned!!  I started laughing with sheer delight and responded, quite openly, that I was now a pagan.  He didn't even flinch, and somehow instinctively understood what I meant.  Nodding, he said, "In old Russia, before Christianity was around, there was a God ..." and we both said in unison, "Perum!"  Now it was his turn to look at me in astonishment that I would know this.  And words tumbled out of us both, as he too learned about me.  

Somewhere in there, he said he would love to see me do a ritual or a workshop, and I promised him that this would be arranged.  He loves the fact that I have taken up writing, and when I read him some of the works I had saved on the Notebook, although he didn't understand them entirely, declared that I speak with much strength, and urged me not to give this up.  

I had a hard time keeping back tears.

He called me this morning to say how much he enjoyed the visit.  "You have a good heart and love people.  I can see now how happy this work makes you.  You are not Baba Yaga but a Babushka!"  

Yes, my dad understands and approves my Path!!

ANGST - Part 2

Written on October 3, 2011

Yesterday, I wrote about my dissatisfaction with all the craft politics that are happening in the pagan circles.  Today, I'm getting a bit personal, and speaking about myself, and what I am.

I am not your typical witch: 

1.  I don’t have a cat, nor am I ever going to get one. 

2.  I am without a partner, and like a cat, don’t ever want to get one. 

3.  I’ve been celibate for close to two decades (now there’s TMI, if there ever was any!). 

4.  I am an abysmal gardener, so herbs die before they can grow.

5.  I hate summer, because it does a really bad number on my health.

6.  I love large cities.  Country living is not appealing to me for too many reasons to list here.

7.  I do like animals, but am not wildly involved in animal rights.  Cows are provider of steak to me.

8.  You won’t be able to sway me with “cute”.

9.  I don’t see auras, feel energies, see dead people, do astral travel or encounter demonic spirits.  The basics of astrology escape me completely and numerology – well, it deals with numbers, and I don’t do numbers.  Magick like lighting candles without matches or a lighter, teleporting objects, reading people’s thoughts, or predicting future events – none of this is within my scope of talents. 

On the other hand, I’m very handy in the kitchen and can do some pretty good magick with food (bring in the herbs!).  One of these days I’ll make you some lemon-tarragon chicken, or boston blue fish in mushroom sauce, or my signature pasta sauce…

I probably could give more examples, but you get the idea.   In fact, I consider myself a witch much less than I consider myself a Priestess, but even there I tend to have my own view as to what a Priestess is.

Quite simply, I am someone who has dedicated my life to the service of the Gods.  More specifically, The Goddess, although occasionally I do work with the male energies.  This differs from most Tradition definitions that define priesthood as people who lead covens by passing on the Tradition “secrets” and leading the various rituals in the proscribed way.  And let me make this clear:  I really have no doubt that each of these people serves the Gods too.  

So, not having any of the supernatural gifts I listed above, what is it that I can offer any one?  I do have one gift (at least I think it’s a gift) that I treasure very dearly.  I have developed a direct and very clear connection with the Goddess, who in turn has graced me on many occasions by Her presence.  Whether She appears as Hakate, Quan Yin, Brid, Oya, Yomaya, or The Baba Yaga, I feel distinct characteristics and energies that identify one aspect from the other.

I love that!  I love being overtaken by this Divine presence, to listen to the words of wisdom that filter down to me, and to see my way open up in the manner of Her wishes!  Sometimes, when She speaks, I write this all down, and I swear it’s like taking dictation!  Not my words, but Her’s…

I also feel I have a gift of dreams.  I do not entirely believe that all dreams represent aspects of myself.  I honestly believe that occasionally I tap into the astral and bring back images and messages that come from a higher source.  For that I am indeed grateful indeed.

Something happened during the initiations I went through.  Ceremonies are very important and for this I am very grateful to my former Elders – they taught me how to construct, write and perform ceremonies and rituals that I still use today.  I use them not because they are “Tradition”, but because they make sense to me.  The integration of the Elements, the calling of the Gods, the working or spell-casting, are all necessary to open astral and spiritual doors to bring about the manifestation of the spells.  Most of my Workings are designed to give praise and honour, celebrate the Wheel of the Year, and only after that is done are petitions made for health of others, and other works.

As Priestess, I facilitate in this.  I perform rituals for this reason alone – that the spiritual and astral doors be opened here on Earth for the Gods to perform the magick.  And this is something that anyone can learn, something I will be very happy to teach!  My job as Priestess is to help people recognize this potential within themselves. 

No secrets, just mysteries. 

If there is one message I can give here this is it:  Everyone is an embodiment of the Divine.  Thou Art God, Thou Art Goddess, The Kingdom of God is within you, Know that I am with you always – all these speak of the same thing.  Everyone has the innate ability to connect with the Godhead without intersession from anyone else.  Everyone’s spirit is connected and entwined with the Great Spirit!  Once this is recognized, the rest falls into place, and you will know, completely and totally, that you are never alone!

ANGST

Written on October 2, 2011

It's been a long time since I've written a Note that wasn't a dream (come to think of it - it's been a long time for that too, but that's a different story).

For a number of weeks now, I have had a growing feeling of dissatisfaction welling up within me, actually culminating in depression.  A number of factors contributed to this, but I will speak of only one here.  Before I let loose, I must warn you, the contents here will not be popular, because I am going to go against the long-held beliefs that I cannot hold onto any more.  

But first, a bit of background.  

 I had been a Christian for the first part of my life, in varying degrees.  At first it was the cultural thing to do, and then I became "born again" and with that, an obnoxious evangelist.  Then one day, I woke up and found my faith had vanished.  Long story short, it sent me into a deep clinical depression that lasted for a couple of years.  This contributed to the eventual breakup of my marriage (although I think that would have happened regardless).  For the next few years, I became an agnostic, unable to believe in anything outside of myself, and a skeptic, even joining the  Skeptics Society for a while.

Eventually, I reconnected with some friends who were Wiccan. I have heard of paganism, but always dismissed it as inconsequential, but perhaps the time was right - I accepted an invitation to attend a woman's circle.  I felt my life change on a dime that night.  That gathering opened up a part of me that was starving for attention, that which I tried to shut away - my spirit.

 This couple, a High Priestess and High Priest, accepted me as their student. I loved being in Circle with my coven-mates, I loved the connection with the Goddess and doing rituals.  I studied until I was initiated into the First Degree. And I continued my studies. The feeling of "wrong" began to creep in at that time, but I was not able to identify it.  Unfortunately, by the time it all became clear, it was far too late - our relationship and friendship was shattered.  In that short, concentrated time, I learned more about Wicca and Traditions than I have in all the previous years.  So what went wrong?

 I was being constantly warned that I was supposed to keep silent,to keep my oaths, to not let out the secrets, etc., etc.  It got to the point that I was afraid to speak with anyone, especially some pagan friends that I was cautiously associating with outside the coven members.  It finally reached a boiling point, when I suddenly realized that I have never,ever been taught exactly what was oathbound! So I confronted my elders and teachers, and asked them point blank exactly what I was to take care of and not to speak about.  Imagine my surprise when the High Priestess, she who was always so ready with her teachings, unable to answer me easily!  She hemmed and hawed, and actually scratched her head,  and finally said she would send me a list, which took her a month - a full month! - to put together.  When I saw it, I laughed in disbelief, and again took her to task on it - telling her that half of it she broke herself with

 me, by teaching me these things long before my own initiation.

That's when I was completely cut out of the coven - which by that time was reduced to nothing, because everyone else was equally booted out for various reasons.  Her last words to me were "You cannot distinguish between what your heart wants and what is good from the Craft!"  Yeah, I'm still puzzled over that statement!

 Since then, I have been on my own, aside from a brief foray into another coven briefly.  I found I didn't fit there that well,  but by then I realized I have become so entrenched in my love for the Goddess, in all Her names and aspects, that I could not leave her.  So, I began to re-define some of the terms:

1.  A priest/priestess is someone who serves the Gods as They direct - not someone who hoards secrets to share only with a very select few.

2.  There is a difference between secrets and mysteries - the mysteries are available to everyone and invite exploration as though they were gifts.,

3.  There is a difference between wisdom and knowledge.  Knowledge is theaccumulation of facts, and everyone can get that.  Wisdom is the ability to take that knowledge and use it in the way that benefits all.

4.  Discretion is always a good thing.  This is wisdom at work - the ability todiscern when to talk, what to say, and how much to say.  But that's again different from "secrets".

5.   Initiation is an ongoing process where one is constantly opened up to the wonders and mysteries the Gods present. Outward initiation, by way of a ceremony, is important as confirmation of inward realization and revelation, but it doesn't stop with the "official" rituals.

I hate the whole secrets and oathbound mentality!  I hate the fact that one must prove the initiation to others before being accepted!  If one's spirit isn't enough to convince me of where they are in their path, no vouching by others will! If pagans can't talk openly among themselves, how can we expect non-pagans to ever begin to understand and accept us?  Furthermore, it occurred to me that Paganism, for all intents and purposes, really doesn't exist in the grand scheme of things.  Outside our closed covens (which are very secret and hush-hush, even among other pagans), Moots and yearly Pagan Pride Days, we are very separate, fragmented, and disjointed.  Coven members care more about protecting their precious secrets than they do in integration and unity.  

Everyone has met people who have extraordinary gifts - but these gifts are held in secret for fear of being ridiculed and demeaned.  Everyone knows people who have horror stories to tell about their experiences in covens run by ego-filled elders.  So I ask - who is available to teach children?  Where are the pagan schools?  Where are our temples?  Where are the elders that truly open themselves up to teach - truly teach! - the mysteries without fear, without reservation - those who require such teachings?  Nothing like this is available.  If they are, they're too secret and underground to make any difference in our community and lives.

Again, I say, paganism doesn't matter in our society at large, because of our long-held views that all this is to be so protected that not even another pagan is to know exactly as to what we do.  In thinking further about  it, I have seen two archetypes of what Priests and especially Priestesses are:One is the old crone at the edge of the village, living alone or perhaps with an apprentice, who is the village wise-woman.  She is the doctor, the psychiatrist, priestess, herbalist, and teacher for all people.  Whatever "secrets" she may have, she shares the results of this with everyone.  The other one archetype involves the temple priesthood communities - true communities! - where these men and women lived, ate, slept, and worked together, again, for the good of the people at large!  Nothing like this is happening in our pagan communities today.  

So, yes, in the grand scheme of pagan standing, I can easily be considered an Oath-Breaker.  I speak freely about my experiences.  I take the "harm none" statement with a grain of salt, because I have seen that it's an ideal and as all ideals, can be rather unrealistic.  I do not understand "Tradition secrets" because I was never taught them - and once I passed that certain point of no return, realized they're not worth a rat's ass.   I cannot love unconditionally - hell, I can barely love my kids that way, let alone the world at large!  But I do take my Priestesshood very seriously, because I do love the Goddess unconditionally, and as They direct, so I do, because in my understanding, that is what a Priestess is - a servant of the Gods!

Today I am an eclectic, I teach where I can, and run a woman's group according to the Red Tent Movement, through which I strive to bring forth and strengthen the Sacred Feminine within all women.  I still play my "Alexandrian High Priestess" card, because that is who I am, and then I go and do my own thing.  I've spoken of all this to a number of people over the years, but now am taking that final step out of the broom closet by making this public.  This is who I am, this is what will be evolved in me for the rest of my life.So mote it be!