ANCIENT WISDOM IN THE BONES

Today has been a very relaxing, stress-free day.  I sat here, and worked on my blog, connected with friends, spoke to my father again, even though I just saw him yesterday, and all the while, I was thinking back on that visit.

He is amazing - although I see that he's getting frail, he still insists on living independently, and doing everything for himself.  The thing that inspires and awes me the most is his knowledge of history, especially Russian history and the fact that he has songs and melodies and harmonies coursing through his head which he writes down on music paper every day.  His mind sings, his fingers race across the paper with his pen quickly, so as to get every note, every scale and chord.

And as I am sitting here, thinking about that visit, I am thinking about how those genes are coursing through me.  Creativity, performance, love of history, spirituality, quirkiness, obstinacy and stubbornness, humour, overcoming adversity - yes, all that and more I carry from my father and mother, and my grandparents before them.

Ancient wisdom  - it tells me that I come from those connected to Ancient Greece and the fierce Mongolian nomads of the sweeping steppes, people of Russ and the burly Vikings.  It tells me to follow my heart and let loose that wildness that was the heart of Mongols, search out new adventures as the Vikings did.  It tells me to create, to give birth to new ideas and forms and words, to serve with the creative spirit.

And it tells me that occasionally I need to acknowledge the limitations of this physical body and take a day off here and there, not be afraid to say "No, not today".

I will as of today, pay attention to that ancient wisdom more closely.  I am, after all, a Crone, and my bones are now becoming ancient.

She is woman who sees She is woman who sees She is Crone woman, skull and bone woman Moss and stone woman Crone woman, crone woman Deep Earth cave mother Dark moon blood mother Blood mother, blood mother She is woman who knows She is woman who knows She is hidden woman, she is shadow woman Midnight cloak woman Raven croak woman Owl, bat, moth woman Owl woman, owl woman She is woman who waits She is woman who waits She is death mother, she is birth mother Earth mother, earth mother Earth, birth, death woman She is north woman, winter storm woman Ancient hands woman Wisdom woman Old woman, old woman She is woman who sees She is woman who sees She is night woman She is night woman Woman!

YOU'RE GROUNDED!!

Considering the sleepless nights I've been having these past few days, I thought it would only be appropriate to post something I wrote back in 1988.  This poem was published in And Other Travels, An Anthology of Poems, that same year.

YOU'RE GROUNDED!!

200 paper airplanes 

have landed on my 

     bedroom floor,

200 paper airplanes 

I made in an 

     attempt to soar

Beyond the confines

of the sleepless night

Alas!

Not one of them has carried me

towards the place where light

from dark is only seen

as negatives of photographs!

200 paper airplanes

like gentle ghosts

     so pale

could only

     call

to me with 

     rustling laughs

As

They spun around between the walls

they touched the ceiling and the door,

Then

200 paper airplanes

crash-landed on my

     bedroom floor...

BRIDAL SHOW

In trying not to miss a day of blogging, I'm now stuck as to what to talk about.

Hmmm, let's see - I could write about the wonderful Bridal show I attended today.  I thoroughly enjoyed it! I trudged from one display booth to another, talked to so many people and connected with a number of them, in hopes of expanding my presence as wedding officiant.

The fashion show was fantastic - I always enjoy runway stuff.  The first set was particularly interesting, where the models became living mannequins, striking dramatic poses.  I also thoroughly enjoyed the violinist who performed during the show.  Not only was he a great musician, his outfit was fantastic too - white, long jacket with discreet beading.  Loved it!!

I figure I spent about 4 hours on my feet, wandering around, and then walked a good way home.  My feet ached, the bag of goodies got very heavy (amazing how much just sheets of paper could weight - lol), and I was dying for some tea by the time I finally got home.  Next week,  I'll be going through all the brochures, flyers and business cards, checking out all the websites

Maybe that's exactly what I needed to tire me out enough to sleep tonight.  The January Full Moon is just having way too much fun with the energies this month - but that's another story... 

COMPLETION AND BEGINNING

Ah, I see one strand of silver tinsel still hanging up.  Other than that, all the Yule/Christmas tree and decorations have been taken down and packed away for another year.  Strange how large and empty this place seems without all the bright ornamentation!

So it's over for another year - the hype, the stress, the need to outdo each other in gift-giving.  There are things that I don't really like about this time of the year, and all of it has to do with the commercials and reports of how well the retail business fared.  In all other respects I love it.  I love the lights, the holly and pine boughs, I love the trees decked out with stars and shining balls.  I the well-wishing - which in itself creates, at least for a short time, a feeling of peace on Earth, goodwill towards all.  I love the food, gathering  of friends and family, and the way each culture seems to have a festival of lights and blessings during the coldest and darkest time of the year.

And now it's over.  All trappings have been stripped, leaving blank spaces and empty walls.  It's time to start thinking of the next Sabbat, Imbolc, and watch the Wheel of the Year turn again.  All is made clean for the new energies to start stirring as the altars are reset to welcome the Maiden Goddess.

From the beginning, it has been my practice to honour Brid (Brigid) during this time, and indeed, I shall have an altar for her.  But for some reason, I am drawn to set up an altar for Quan Yin, to open a gateway for a flow of compassion, understanding and health.  Already it's stirring in me, this inspiration for a ritual, and I shall slowly begin to put it into effect this week.

May She, the Lady of Compassion, bless you abundantly!

LIVING IT UP... THE AFTERMATH...

Last night, I had the pleasure of hosting a Red Tent meeting.  The apartment was set up, food was prepared, the ladies arrived and the place was fit to bursting with loud and boisterous laughter!  We celebrated Yule, complete with a Yule log (a piece of oak placed in a cauldron amid Yule greenery and surrounded with small lights) and a Wassail bowl.

In true Norse fashion, we hoisted our glasses, and while feasting in our own Valhalla, toasted the Asgard Gods, Valkyries and Heroes.  We began boasting with much drama and bravado, of the things we had accomplished and what we will achieve in the coming year.  Laughter, cheering, accolades were heard loud and strong at each!  I was worried about what my next door neighbour would think, but then remembered she was participating in these very same energetic procedures - lol!!

This being a work night, we all decided to make it an early night.  I was also looking forward to an early morning of travel and visit with my dad, and so needed have a good night's sleep.  Alas, for me, that did not happen. The night had plans of its own...

Many hugs and farewells later, I turned to my own downtime by doing a bit of cleaning up, putting stuff into the fridge and turning off the twinkling Yule lights around the apartment.  My leg hit the corner of the little table where the dishes were - crash! Boom!  Yup, you guessed it - at least two of my glass plates were shattered, while another two were chipped beyond use!  I left it all to be cleaned up in the morning...

Broken shards of my glass dishes.  And silverware...

... which came hours of tossing and turning and inability to fall asleep.  Insomnia has struck me solidly!!  By midnight, I got up and went onto Facebook, met my son there, and transferred our conversation to the phone.  It was almost two hours before we finally went to bed again.  Oh, and to top it all off, this late-night chat also led to the discovery that it's almost Full Moon!!

So, taking into account the wonderful high-energy meeting, concern about the trip and the impending Full Moon - I was totally out of luck in the sleep department!!

By then, I had crossed into the point of no return.  I knew it would be impossible for me to have that early start and be on the bus, never mind spending the day with my dad.  I could not be good company at all!  Imagine my relief when I called him, and was told that he too had a very restless night, and was happy to have the visit postponed.

And in the meanwhile, my neighbour (remember the I worried would be bothered by the noise?) asked me to kitty-sit her cat today.

Now I better go and clean up the glass.  It's going to be a great day, yes...?

CREATING A WEB SITE...

Yesterday, I spent a good part of the afternoon putting together a web site.  It's something I've wanted to do for quite a while now, and finally got down to doing it.

Now, I already have a blog going here, and I'm very active on a social network, so why would I want to expand into a web site?  I'm no one special, I don't really have a business, what is interesting to me may be deadly boring to someone else.  I've considered all of that, and decided that I still wanted to go ahead with this endeavour.

I am a person of eclectic and varied interests, and I wanted these represented under one "roof", so to speak, a place where I can talk about my dreams and the Craft, my needlework and the weddings in a more compact and concentrated environment.

Yesterday afternoon proved to me how challenging this digital construction can be.  It is exacting work, even though the html coding is taken care of for me.  And even after it's all put together and launched, it will always be a work in progress.  There will always be new information to add, I will need to tweak the site constantly, that sort of thing.

It's exciting, and it's scary, putting myself out there like that.  I love the technology that is making this possible, because I read about it long before all this became a reality through my science fiction books. To see it all come around in a usable way is amazing.

So, that's my blog for the day.  I hope to have a bit of a launch party once the site is ready to make its public appearance, and I hope you will all attend!!

Things that Make me Happy...

Continuing with the one-blog-a-day, this morning I thought I'd talk about things that make me happy.  So, in no particular order, here we go:

Early mornings, when it's still dark out.  I love to watch the dawn light the day.
Candles and Incense - with these I light these early mornings.
Facebook - yes, I admit it freely!  Facebook connects me with my friends around the world.
Good art - I'm so grateful to local artists whose work adorns my walls!
Needles - knitting needles, embroidery needles, sewing needles, tapestry needles...
Tea - need I say more!?
My dad - who has just celebrated his 95th birthday!
Being alone - I do love being cocooned in my apartment, in silence, in the candle-lit morning darkness...
My friends - getting together for tea.
Writing - words are so powerful!
Reading - words are so powerful!
Good food - I love cooking and all that goes into preparation of food.
Dreams and dreaming - my alternate life, which takes me away each night.
Red Tent meetings - getting together with the women is a joy!
Winter - well, more specifically, the cool temperatures, which gives me more energy and drive.
Priestesshood - connecting with the Gods daily.
Meditation - connecting me with my spiritual self.
Weddings - I so love officiating weddings!!
My apartment - finally, a place I feel totally comfortable in!
My neighbour - the great and artistic Deborah.
My family - in spite of their quirks, I love them!
Canada - what a great country!
Hamilton - what a great city!
Studies - never stop learning.
Teaching - whenever opportunity arises.
Holy Clothing garments - such luxury!
GypsyWitch bling - such decadence! (Especially when combined with Holy Clothing garments.)
TV - yes, too much of it, I'm not even going to try and justify it - lol!
Games - POGO games in particular.
Retirement - now that I'm finally getting used to it.
Travel - so exciting when I can go visit others in far-flung places!
My life - and all that I was involved with, which brought me to this point.

There is more, much more, but that's enough for the moment.  I'm so grateful for it all!!

MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER...

This morning, I woke up and thought of my mother.

Here I am, almost 67 years old, and I suddenly was missing her horribly!  I would so have loved to just sit down and have a chat with her!  So, through this blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do:

Hello, Mama - I'm so happy to see you again!  Please, sit down here while I make us some tea. There, I see you still take it clear, with a squeeze of lemon.

Do you remember when we moved to Toronto from Venezuela?  What a change that was for us!  My brothers and I haven't seen snow - well, I did, because I recall seeing it in Europe - but it was still fresh and wondrously new for us kids.  And then, you and I found ourselves alone - after that horrible fight with dad, which left us so divided...

But let's speak now of happier times.  I remember many things about you, the what I recall most was your love for sewing.  I believe we lived on Havelock Avenue in Toronto at that time when I first became aware of this fully.  Oh, I've seen you sew before, and remember how you actually used to sew all those crinolines from home - spending countless hours buried in tulle and satin and ribbons - in order to support us!  Have I ever thanked you for that?  Well, I'm thanking you now, with deep heart-felt appreciation.  You taught me that with enough will-power and hard work, one can overcome almost any adversity!

But what I'm thinking of more specifically here is the times we spent doing hems, or the more creative embroidery and cross-stitching projects.  It was at times like that, with the lights dimmed, except on our work, in the comfort of our living room, with the radio playing classical music, that I was happiest.  I connected with you the most then.

And no matter how tired you were from working (I remember you went on to work in factories, then in a watch-making office, and finally, as a sales-lady in Simpson's Sears), no matter how tired you were, you always found time to take me to concerts every Sunday afternoon at Massey Hall, or attend at the Astronomy lectures I was so involved with.  And the recitals that I used to play in - do you remember how you fussed over me, to make sure I now only sounded good, but also looked my best?  You used to buy me dresses of chiffon and organza, so I would feel the sense of occasion as I stepped out on that stage!  Have I ever thanked you for that, Mama?  I am deeply grateful, and do thank you now.

Our lives were not always that easy.  There were times, Mama, when I confess I was afraid of you.  You were a very strict disciplinarian, and you never quite understood the Canadian way of life.  You were afraid of it, afraid of the free and easy way the girls seemed to be in this country.  And you were so afraid I would follow in their ways.  You used to have this way of going very cold and silent for weeks, and during those times I would not be able to approach you at all.  I felt very lonely, confused and bewildered, unable to understand what I've done wrong.  But always, these times passed, and as we once again took up our stitching, all would be well between us.  Many years later, I began to understand and for this too, I thank you.

It is now just passed New Year 2012.  And thinking of this time, I recall the many times you took me to wonderful New Year's parties!  I remember one in particular - the house appeared like a mansion to me, so elegant and all glittery with Christmas lights.  I think the year was around 1965.  Strange - I don't recall the name of the people who hosted it, but I do remember it was bitterly cold with deep snow all around.  I wore my turquoise organza gown, and my hair was pulled back into a dramatic up-do.  It was a night filled with music we created ourselves.  There were singers singing operatic arias, and I took my place among the musicians at the piano.  Mendelssohn's "Capricio" - yes, that's what I played that night!  As midnight drew close, the Champaign started flowing.  That was the first time I tasted the Bubbly, and giggled as it fizzed in my mouth...

You were absolutely a-glow when you found out I was pregnant with your first grandchild!  And then came the twins, and then another son.  You were scared for me - so many babies so close together!  And yet all turned out all right.  You used to delight in coming to where my husband and I lived and spent so much time with the little ones!  Sadly, you were no longer with us when the last of my children was born - you would have doted on him too, I know this!

You loved to soak up the sun, and sadly that was your undoing.  You developed skin cancer, and eventually, another cancer claimed you.  You passed away after a brief but fierce battle with that dreaded disease.  I am grateful that I saw you only two nights before your passing - I knew it would be the last time I kissed you.

Since then, I have seen you often in my dreams.  You would visit me, talk to me, encourage me, and finally, about two years ago, you came to me one last time.  You said it was now time for you to be reborn and reincarnated.  I was very, very happy to hear that!

I will never forget you as you were, when you were my mother, who gave me birth and life, who kept me on the straight and narrow, and who have taught me so much!!  Here, in the memories of my heart, I shall visit with you often as you have been.

And as you start your life a-new, I wish you only joy and blessings!

WHAT I WAS...

At this moment, I am preparing for my next assignment on a course I am taking, and this required me to dig back through my journals for certain information.  Of course, I got caught up reading other entries and was struck by how in my life, one small event led to another, and then another, creating who I am today.

My past is a part of me - right from my birth, I experience events, small and large, that shapes me, and molds me and define me and then redefine me.  My life is a constant evolution.  Sometimes, it changes in a matter of a split-second, and at other times it is a slow, gradual process, a dawning of realization that overtakes and overwhelms me.

Within me resides the small child that used to dance, cry from scraped knees and curl up on my father's knees as he read me stories.  Within me resides the Maiden, newly blossomed into Moon cycles, exploring the joys of make-up and wondering at the changes going on in body, emotions and thoughts.  I carry within me The Mother, giving birth to five children, then realizing the need to change again to meet each individual child's needs.  It's like I had to be on many different levels at once!

And now, another transition that I am undergoing - going fully into Cronehood, shedding, letting go, holding close, opening up, closing down, keeping up, tearing down!  And at the same time, knowing that what I was I still am, what I experienced is still with me.  The memories are vivid, internal photographs and videos, of good times, bad times, every day events and monumental insights that flooded my being - all are here, within me.

What I have just written is nothing new - everyone experiences this in one way or another.  But it happened to me, and therefore was seen, absorbed and assimilated in a unique way.  Because it happens to everyone, these changes also bind me to others.  Because its intensely personal creates barriers.

My journals have taken on a greater meaning of importance to me this morning, showing me that what I was and what I am and what I will be.  Life didn't work out the way I had planned, but it worked out the way it was supposed to.

And now, I am standing on the brink of new experiences and a new life unfolding before me, and I once again feel brand new, like a Phoenix reborn, like Maiden again...

A DREAM...

I really don't see any reason why my dreams shouldn't count for my "one blog a day", and this being the first dream of 2012, it should definately count for something!I am in a park, and it's getting close to nightfall.  A young child joins me, and asks if he could walk with me, since he doesn't live that far from me.  I agree and take him by the hand.  Before we could go anywhere, two men approach us.  One of them has a rifle and the other a large flashlight.  In spite of their menicing appearance, I do not feel frightened, and tell them that we're just on our way home.  They go off on their patrol, leaving the boy and me to continue on our way.

It suddenly starts getting very cold, and by the time we reach a small hill, we see that it's all icy.  This terrifies me, because such "slippery slopes" become trecherous under my feet.  Nevertheless, I see a small patch of dry land to our left and divert our journey there.  Slowly and carefully, we make our way down and land in a pile of fabric scraps.  With a shock, I realize that it's all my fabrics which I threw out.  I recognize the burgundy velvet, and a number of satins as well as some checkered and plaid material.  When I pick these up I recall how a male friend tried on the outfit - a very Norse one - consisting of a pair of pants and a tunic.  I remember telling him that I still need to make a shirt to go under that tunic.I tell the boy that we need to pick all this up and put it in the trash, so it wouldn't litter the place, and together we take armloads to the two bins that are not too far off.  I am dismayed to see that they're all filled up, and as we try and fit the scraps into the bins, the two men come by again.  One of them, seeing what we were up to, goes and fetches another bin and that takes care of the litter problem.

The dream shifts and it is now some time later.  I find myself on a train going on a trip.   My anticipation for a quiet and peaceful journey is cut short when a man comes by with his pet tiger.  The animal takes an instant liking to me, and settles itself on the empty seat next to me, while the man tells me I should not be afraid of petting it.  The tiger seems to just melt into my hand, as I hesitently put it out, and drops its huge head into my lap.  The man, who I now see is quite an eccentric character, dressed all in a colourful motley suit, laughs softly, and in spite of my fear, I suddenly feel distinctly honoured.

*******

Yes, I think this is a very good beginning to my dreams for the New Year!