ANGST - Part 2

Written on October 3, 2011

Yesterday, I wrote about my dissatisfaction with all the craft politics that are happening in the pagan circles.  Today, I'm getting a bit personal, and speaking about myself, and what I am.

I am not your typical witch: 

1.  I don’t have a cat, nor am I ever going to get one. 

2.  I am without a partner, and like a cat, don’t ever want to get one. 

3.  I’ve been celibate for close to two decades (now there’s TMI, if there ever was any!). 

4.  I am an abysmal gardener, so herbs die before they can grow.

5.  I hate summer, because it does a really bad number on my health.

6.  I love large cities.  Country living is not appealing to me for too many reasons to list here.

7.  I do like animals, but am not wildly involved in animal rights.  Cows are provider of steak to me.

8.  You won’t be able to sway me with “cute”.

9.  I don’t see auras, feel energies, see dead people, do astral travel or encounter demonic spirits.  The basics of astrology escape me completely and numerology – well, it deals with numbers, and I don’t do numbers.  Magick like lighting candles without matches or a lighter, teleporting objects, reading people’s thoughts, or predicting future events – none of this is within my scope of talents. 

On the other hand, I’m very handy in the kitchen and can do some pretty good magick with food (bring in the herbs!).  One of these days I’ll make you some lemon-tarragon chicken, or boston blue fish in mushroom sauce, or my signature pasta sauce…

I probably could give more examples, but you get the idea.   In fact, I consider myself a witch much less than I consider myself a Priestess, but even there I tend to have my own view as to what a Priestess is.

Quite simply, I am someone who has dedicated my life to the service of the Gods.  More specifically, The Goddess, although occasionally I do work with the male energies.  This differs from most Tradition definitions that define priesthood as people who lead covens by passing on the Tradition “secrets” and leading the various rituals in the proscribed way.  And let me make this clear:  I really have no doubt that each of these people serves the Gods too.  

So, not having any of the supernatural gifts I listed above, what is it that I can offer any one?  I do have one gift (at least I think it’s a gift) that I treasure very dearly.  I have developed a direct and very clear connection with the Goddess, who in turn has graced me on many occasions by Her presence.  Whether She appears as Hakate, Quan Yin, Brid, Oya, Yomaya, or The Baba Yaga, I feel distinct characteristics and energies that identify one aspect from the other.

I love that!  I love being overtaken by this Divine presence, to listen to the words of wisdom that filter down to me, and to see my way open up in the manner of Her wishes!  Sometimes, when She speaks, I write this all down, and I swear it’s like taking dictation!  Not my words, but Her’s…

I also feel I have a gift of dreams.  I do not entirely believe that all dreams represent aspects of myself.  I honestly believe that occasionally I tap into the astral and bring back images and messages that come from a higher source.  For that I am indeed grateful indeed.

Something happened during the initiations I went through.  Ceremonies are very important and for this I am very grateful to my former Elders – they taught me how to construct, write and perform ceremonies and rituals that I still use today.  I use them not because they are “Tradition”, but because they make sense to me.  The integration of the Elements, the calling of the Gods, the working or spell-casting, are all necessary to open astral and spiritual doors to bring about the manifestation of the spells.  Most of my Workings are designed to give praise and honour, celebrate the Wheel of the Year, and only after that is done are petitions made for health of others, and other works.

As Priestess, I facilitate in this.  I perform rituals for this reason alone – that the spiritual and astral doors be opened here on Earth for the Gods to perform the magick.  And this is something that anyone can learn, something I will be very happy to teach!  My job as Priestess is to help people recognize this potential within themselves. 

No secrets, just mysteries. 

If there is one message I can give here this is it:  Everyone is an embodiment of the Divine.  Thou Art God, Thou Art Goddess, The Kingdom of God is within you, Know that I am with you always – all these speak of the same thing.  Everyone has the innate ability to connect with the Godhead without intersession from anyone else.  Everyone’s spirit is connected and entwined with the Great Spirit!  Once this is recognized, the rest falls into place, and you will know, completely and totally, that you are never alone!

ANGST

Written on October 2, 2011

It's been a long time since I've written a Note that wasn't a dream (come to think of it - it's been a long time for that too, but that's a different story).

For a number of weeks now, I have had a growing feeling of dissatisfaction welling up within me, actually culminating in depression.  A number of factors contributed to this, but I will speak of only one here.  Before I let loose, I must warn you, the contents here will not be popular, because I am going to go against the long-held beliefs that I cannot hold onto any more.  

But first, a bit of background.  

 I had been a Christian for the first part of my life, in varying degrees.  At first it was the cultural thing to do, and then I became "born again" and with that, an obnoxious evangelist.  Then one day, I woke up and found my faith had vanished.  Long story short, it sent me into a deep clinical depression that lasted for a couple of years.  This contributed to the eventual breakup of my marriage (although I think that would have happened regardless).  For the next few years, I became an agnostic, unable to believe in anything outside of myself, and a skeptic, even joining the  Skeptics Society for a while.

Eventually, I reconnected with some friends who were Wiccan. I have heard of paganism, but always dismissed it as inconsequential, but perhaps the time was right - I accepted an invitation to attend a woman's circle.  I felt my life change on a dime that night.  That gathering opened up a part of me that was starving for attention, that which I tried to shut away - my spirit.

 This couple, a High Priestess and High Priest, accepted me as their student. I loved being in Circle with my coven-mates, I loved the connection with the Goddess and doing rituals.  I studied until I was initiated into the First Degree. And I continued my studies. The feeling of "wrong" began to creep in at that time, but I was not able to identify it.  Unfortunately, by the time it all became clear, it was far too late - our relationship and friendship was shattered.  In that short, concentrated time, I learned more about Wicca and Traditions than I have in all the previous years.  So what went wrong?

 I was being constantly warned that I was supposed to keep silent,to keep my oaths, to not let out the secrets, etc., etc.  It got to the point that I was afraid to speak with anyone, especially some pagan friends that I was cautiously associating with outside the coven members.  It finally reached a boiling point, when I suddenly realized that I have never,ever been taught exactly what was oathbound! So I confronted my elders and teachers, and asked them point blank exactly what I was to take care of and not to speak about.  Imagine my surprise when the High Priestess, she who was always so ready with her teachings, unable to answer me easily!  She hemmed and hawed, and actually scratched her head,  and finally said she would send me a list, which took her a month - a full month! - to put together.  When I saw it, I laughed in disbelief, and again took her to task on it - telling her that half of it she broke herself with

 me, by teaching me these things long before my own initiation.

That's when I was completely cut out of the coven - which by that time was reduced to nothing, because everyone else was equally booted out for various reasons.  Her last words to me were "You cannot distinguish between what your heart wants and what is good from the Craft!"  Yeah, I'm still puzzled over that statement!

 Since then, I have been on my own, aside from a brief foray into another coven briefly.  I found I didn't fit there that well,  but by then I realized I have become so entrenched in my love for the Goddess, in all Her names and aspects, that I could not leave her.  So, I began to re-define some of the terms:

1.  A priest/priestess is someone who serves the Gods as They direct - not someone who hoards secrets to share only with a very select few.

2.  There is a difference between secrets and mysteries - the mysteries are available to everyone and invite exploration as though they were gifts.,

3.  There is a difference between wisdom and knowledge.  Knowledge is theaccumulation of facts, and everyone can get that.  Wisdom is the ability to take that knowledge and use it in the way that benefits all.

4.  Discretion is always a good thing.  This is wisdom at work - the ability todiscern when to talk, what to say, and how much to say.  But that's again different from "secrets".

5.   Initiation is an ongoing process where one is constantly opened up to the wonders and mysteries the Gods present. Outward initiation, by way of a ceremony, is important as confirmation of inward realization and revelation, but it doesn't stop with the "official" rituals.

I hate the whole secrets and oathbound mentality!  I hate the fact that one must prove the initiation to others before being accepted!  If one's spirit isn't enough to convince me of where they are in their path, no vouching by others will! If pagans can't talk openly among themselves, how can we expect non-pagans to ever begin to understand and accept us?  Furthermore, it occurred to me that Paganism, for all intents and purposes, really doesn't exist in the grand scheme of things.  Outside our closed covens (which are very secret and hush-hush, even among other pagans), Moots and yearly Pagan Pride Days, we are very separate, fragmented, and disjointed.  Coven members care more about protecting their precious secrets than they do in integration and unity.  

Everyone has met people who have extraordinary gifts - but these gifts are held in secret for fear of being ridiculed and demeaned.  Everyone knows people who have horror stories to tell about their experiences in covens run by ego-filled elders.  So I ask - who is available to teach children?  Where are the pagan schools?  Where are our temples?  Where are the elders that truly open themselves up to teach - truly teach! - the mysteries without fear, without reservation - those who require such teachings?  Nothing like this is available.  If they are, they're too secret and underground to make any difference in our community and lives.

Again, I say, paganism doesn't matter in our society at large, because of our long-held views that all this is to be so protected that not even another pagan is to know exactly as to what we do.  In thinking further about  it, I have seen two archetypes of what Priests and especially Priestesses are:One is the old crone at the edge of the village, living alone or perhaps with an apprentice, who is the village wise-woman.  She is the doctor, the psychiatrist, priestess, herbalist, and teacher for all people.  Whatever "secrets" she may have, she shares the results of this with everyone.  The other one archetype involves the temple priesthood communities - true communities! - where these men and women lived, ate, slept, and worked together, again, for the good of the people at large!  Nothing like this is happening in our pagan communities today.  

So, yes, in the grand scheme of pagan standing, I can easily be considered an Oath-Breaker.  I speak freely about my experiences.  I take the "harm none" statement with a grain of salt, because I have seen that it's an ideal and as all ideals, can be rather unrealistic.  I do not understand "Tradition secrets" because I was never taught them - and once I passed that certain point of no return, realized they're not worth a rat's ass.   I cannot love unconditionally - hell, I can barely love my kids that way, let alone the world at large!  But I do take my Priestesshood very seriously, because I do love the Goddess unconditionally, and as They direct, so I do, because in my understanding, that is what a Priestess is - a servant of the Gods!

Today I am an eclectic, I teach where I can, and run a woman's group according to the Red Tent Movement, through which I strive to bring forth and strengthen the Sacred Feminine within all women.  I still play my "Alexandrian High Priestess" card, because that is who I am, and then I go and do my own thing.  I've spoken of all this to a number of people over the years, but now am taking that final step out of the broom closet by making this public.  This is who I am, this is what will be evolved in me for the rest of my life.So mote it be! 

It's been a long time since I've made an entry in this blog - have been too busy dreaming and posting dreams in my other one to bother with the "real life", so here's my attempt to catch up a bit here.

I've been busy here too, doing this and that, but mostly I've been trying to survive the heat and humidity of summer.  This is not a good time for me - summer never is - so now, at the end of August, I am eagerly awaiting the return of fall.

The Wheel of the Year turns...

Three major additions have been made to my life that I would like to brag about a little:

1.  After more years than most of you have been alive, I have finally began an exercise program.  It took some doing, because the longer I avoided, the harder it was for me to start.  But thanks to a community centre that's just a couple of blocks away, and a wonderful new neighbour who was all excited to start there, I signed up for water aerobic classes. 

Wow!  What a difference this has already made in my life!! I learned to swim when I was a child, and was actually very good at it; but for maybe a half-dozen times in the pool in all these years, there was no contact with water at all.  This course has us doing full blown aerobic exercises non-stop for a full hour (twice a week), so not only am I getting my cardio, I am being kind on my joints!!  So that started me practicing my strokes as well.  It may not sound like much of an accomplishment, but being able to do a width of front crawl and one width on my back is an amazing feat for me in just four sessions.  I can feel myself building the strength and stamina and have no doubt that before long, I'll be doing laps!

So, being encouraged by this small success, I have decided to sign up for a yoga class in September.  I have never done yoga in my life, so this should be an interesting experience indeed!

Yeay for this 67 year old grandma!!!

2.  And speaking of classes, I have also enrolled in a virtual "university" that specializes in spiritual studies.  I have already completed a course on dreams and dream interpretations, and have enrolled in my next one - one that will plumb the depths of my childhood and will help me write an autobiography to leave as a legacy of my life.  Very excited about starting that one.

3.  And finally, yet another forey into conquering fear and self doubt, I have become involved in doing art!  Now mind you, I am no artist by any stretch of imagination, at least not when it comes to drawing and painting, but that's not the point.  The point is for me to enjoy myself; the point is for me to explore what I am from deep inside myself and bring it to a visual reference.  My dreams are far too detailed to just have them as words, so I have begun to render them in drawings.

Let me give you an example of how these connections were all made by a recent inspiration I had and posted elsewhere:

 

Let's call it The Red Tent through Dreams and Art...

One thing leads to another, like a small snowball rolling down the hill. And that's how it was when two factors crossed paths. And something new is born.

Lately, I've been experimenting with dreams and art. Now, I'm no artist by any stretch of the imagination (remember that when you look at the piece - lol), but that's not the important thing. What's important is using colours on a blank sheet of paper to express emotions and instinct that dreams may leave with you upon awakening. It also takes me back to a childhood - and I lose myself in the process. That's factor 1.

Thus it was that I found a group of artists here on Facebook that urge art for art's sake. "Do a mandala", came the directive. Okay. That's factor 2.

So, yesterday (Saturday) afternoon during my nap, I had this dream:

The Ruby Ring

There is a wicker shelving unit in the bathroom, and on it is a small enamil box. I sense it holds some bath salts. I see a glint of red on top of the box and notice a beautiful ring. I reach for it, but it's wedged between the box and the shelf, and it takes me a minute or two to wedge it out. All this time I'm seeing my hands as though through a lense of a camera.

The ring is a circle of rubies in a silver setting. I marvel at seeing it, because I know that I do not possess such a piece. Of course I try it on, and find that it fits perfectly on my index finger of my right hand.

As I drift to wakefulness a thought drifts through my mind that this is a representation of the Red Tent and the connectiveness of all women.

****

I decided to do my mandala on this dream, and while I was working on it, I also got this chant echoing in my mind, which I incorporated into the painting. :

Ring of Power, Ring of Might

Bless the women with your Light.

Ring of Power, ruby red,

Bind us as our flow is shed.

Ring of Power, without end

I reach my hand to you, Sister-Friend!
****

Somewhere in this time I have also done a wedding, and visited some family out of town, battled some not so pleasant health issues, and have decided to start sewing costumes again. 

But all those are stories for another time!  So until then...

THE WEEKEND

This past weekend I enjoyed two different outings that have left very big and happy impressions on me. 


On Saturday, there was a gathering in Brantford.  About a dozen people got together to discuss Dreams, Astral Travel and Shamanic Journeys.  Everyone had wonderful stories and dreams to relate, there were a lot of questions and everyone tried to better understand this complex and mysterious process the mind takes us through on a nightly basis.


It was also an opportunity to indulge in some good nibbles that everyone brought to share.  And we discovered there was a lovely albino corn snake in our midst!  She belongs to our hostess, and we all got a chance to pet her.  


Because I do not drive any more, I invited two friends to join me, one of whom had a vehicle.  It was good to get together, the lively talk made the short journey through the country-side very enjoyable.  It was a lovely sunny day - yes, all was right with the world!


Yesterday, I again got together with Julie (the friend with the car).  She had hoped that there would be more of a gathering of women to do crafts, but it was just me.  Unfortunately, I was not feeling well - the heat and humidity was doing something bad to my head - and after about an hour I had to be taken home again.  While it lasted, it was very pleasant, though, as we sat on the patio, under a large umbrella, she with her beads, and I with my cross-stitching, in a beautiful backyard which had many different gardens, and sipped on ice-cold lemonade.  


It was a very good weekend indeed!

A Chance Meeting

So yesterday, well, yesterday was a day that I will always look back on as one in which my life changed forever.  Of course, every day brings such changes, every day weaves something into the fabric of our beings that makes us different from what we were, but then, there are Days, with a capital D, that become defining moments.  The day delivered peace of mind and heart that I have never felt before.  

Anyways, that was the start.  Circumstances demanded that I get to downtown for some appointments, and after they were over, I slowly wandered around Jackson Square, and of course found myself in Coles book shop.  No big surprise there, since I often browse through books.  I noticed a pretty young lady  and for some reason "really" noticed her.  So, I drifted towards my favourite sections, and ended up at the New Age selection, and before long, she came over as well.  We smiled at each other as we chose one book or another to look at, when suddenly, I hear her say softly, "Lidia?"  

I was startled, because even looking fully at her, I honestly could say that I did not know her.  She reminded me of a time when we both lived at the YWCA some 10 years ago, bringing to mind all that we went through, and I still did not know who she was!  I apologized for this, of course, and we both laughed.  It was enough that she remembered me.  

Before long, we were in a coffee shop, enjoying cups of tea, and talking, talking, talking, and more talking.  We share many interests in common - much more than we had a decade ago, and we both agreed that this was no chance meeting.  

This reunion struck both of us as very significant, and reaffirmed in us both that we live in more than just this physical realm - we connect on so much more!  To me, it opened my spirit up again, because the past couple of weeks, I have begun to feel like giving up.  To her, it meant finding someone with whom she could share all that she cannot with most people.  

The moral of this story is that there are no coincidences, chance meetings are not so random, and that instinct is to be listened to.

Today is the first day of my new life.  I embrace it fully!

Wiccan-Fest 2011

 I did not really want to go to this wonderful festival.  My concerns about my dad lay heavily upon me, and the thought of being inaccessible for five days was bothering me.  Nevertheless, I took that chance and am very glad I did.  

Thanks to my friend, Kelly, for providing the smooth ride there and back.  We discovered early on that night time was not a good time for either of us, because one of us snored - lol!!  Nevertheless, in spite of our wanderings, looking for a place to grab some sleep, it all turned out all right eventually.  

The first clear memory that will be with me always, is of Alex showing up at the opening ritual sky-clad.  Literally sky-clad, since his robe was one that was patterned with blue sky and white clouds.  In addition, while working in the kitchen, he transformed into a red-horned demon whipping up the pancakes, a pirat scrambling the eggs, and a poor victim with a knife in his head cooking up the bacon.  Thank you, Alex, for your never-ending source of joy to us!!

I became brave enough this year to run a couple of workshops, one on The Red Tent and the other on Dreams.  Both went well, but the one on the Red Tent was absolutely electryfying! It led to a lot of personal sharing, tears, beginnings of healing within each of us.  We were joined by three young girls who had not yet experienced their transition to womanhood, and all three also spoke of their fears and aspirations.  Their wisdom was startling - "If we deny that part of ourselves, we diminish ourselves, we become less than what we really are".  I love that!

The workshops I attended were amazing.  "The Oracle of The Living Tarot" brought the Major Arcana to life as we became the archetypes!  Not surprisingly, I drew one of my favourite cards - The Fool - who has much to teach us indeed!  Thank you, Catharine, for bringing this to us!

Loved the workshop on Grimms Fairytales by Kenny Kline.  Earlier on, I bought the book, and spent quite a bit of time reading the stories and analysis, and how these stories have changed throughout the years.  I became immersed in the images of cottages and deep woods, of witches and animals that speak, of fairy folk and human maidens that speak of elemental powers.  

An African Prince and Priest, as Oracle, read my fate.  Now I must plan a feast for my friends.

In the relaxed atmosphere of the dining hall, a couple of new friends, many old friends and I spilled an abundance of words among us, words that encouraged, connected, strengthened and enlightened us all.

I spent a lot of money - more than I should have! - and purchased a beautiful gown of black and gold, a turquoise necklace and bracelet, a book, and a set of starfish pendants.  

And my last night there flung me into my own tale ...

There, at the edge of the woods,  I came across an empty cabin.  Neat it was with five empty beds, inviting me in with promises of peaceful sleep.  About me whispered the last of the words of rest and sleep, and I succumbed.

Magically, a bedroll appeared, along with some food and drink.  Surely this cannot harm me, I thought to myself, ignoring the many warnings not to eat or drink anything that comes from the land of the fey.  And so I did, and before long, felt myself being lulled into the soothing darkness.  About me there was a glow from the near-full Moon, casting all about me into a space where the familiar becomes strange, and that which is strange becomes even more inviting.  

I succumb to all this and after having a bite and drink of the fairy food, I lay down.  I drift, drift towards the darkness of sleep, when all of a sudden, I am startled by a bang on the door!!  Terror seizes my heart!  Who is it?  Who else comes to the door of the empty cottage at the edge of the woods?  The door flings open and outlined against the light of the Moon stands a man!  

Ah, who can this be!?  A handsome prince or an ogre?  The woodsman or the Bear?  

He appears as startled to see me sitting up in bed as I am to see him in the doorway.  "I am but a traveller on this road," he says with apologies, "and I chanced upon this cabin at the edge of the woods.  My apologies, my lady, for I did not mean to startle and frighten you.  May I beg you for this boon, that I may sleep in this far corner?  But not just yet, for I must gather some things from the forest first.  I shall just leave my pack here..."  And with that he disappeared.

Now I remember all the tales of old, and realize that it is not as it all seems.  That by staying in this cabin at the edge of the woods, I may be in mortal peril.  Still partly trapped in the fairy world by the food and drink of magic, I struggle to move away from this enchanted trap.  My bedding disappears as though it never was, and I finally am able to open the door and step outside.  I do not look back, but quickly, as quickly as I can make my way deeper into the woods.

I do not know how I came to see the light of the morning, but when I did, I was happy to see that I was again back in the land of mortals and my night of night of enchantment has passed me by without claiming my soul.  

But I do wonder - just who was that man who knocked and came into the cabin, that empty cabin at the edge of the woods?  Ah, some things must always remain a mystery...

WOMAN IN THE MIRROR

WOMAN IN THE MIRROR

Lidia Tremblay

June 9, 2011

Who is that old woman staring,

Staring back at me from the mirror?

Lined, sagging,

Deep gray shadows

Hiding the eyes?

Who is she, that stranger, staring,

Staring at me,

As though she

Knows me, hears the

Beating of my heart?

From the deep recesses of memory

I see another face

One I dimly recognize

but do not quite see;

Superimposed, 

Same but not the same,

And I wonder, I wonder

When did I become the

Old woman in the mirror?