LIVING IT UP... THE AFTERMATH...

Last night, I had the pleasure of hosting a Red Tent meeting.  The apartment was set up, food was prepared, the ladies arrived and the place was fit to bursting with loud and boisterous laughter!  We celebrated Yule, complete with a Yule log (a piece of oak placed in a cauldron amid Yule greenery and surrounded with small lights) and a Wassail bowl.

In true Norse fashion, we hoisted our glasses, and while feasting in our own Valhalla, toasted the Asgard Gods, Valkyries and Heroes.  We began boasting with much drama and bravado, of the things we had accomplished and what we will achieve in the coming year.  Laughter, cheering, accolades were heard loud and strong at each!  I was worried about what my next door neighbour would think, but then remembered she was participating in these very same energetic procedures - lol!!

This being a work night, we all decided to make it an early night.  I was also looking forward to an early morning of travel and visit with my dad, and so needed have a good night's sleep.  Alas, for me, that did not happen. The night had plans of its own...

Many hugs and farewells later, I turned to my own downtime by doing a bit of cleaning up, putting stuff into the fridge and turning off the twinkling Yule lights around the apartment.  My leg hit the corner of the little table where the dishes were - crash! Boom!  Yup, you guessed it - at least two of my glass plates were shattered, while another two were chipped beyond use!  I left it all to be cleaned up in the morning...

Broken shards of my glass dishes.  And silverware...

... which came hours of tossing and turning and inability to fall asleep.  Insomnia has struck me solidly!!  By midnight, I got up and went onto Facebook, met my son there, and transferred our conversation to the phone.  It was almost two hours before we finally went to bed again.  Oh, and to top it all off, this late-night chat also led to the discovery that it's almost Full Moon!!

So, taking into account the wonderful high-energy meeting, concern about the trip and the impending Full Moon - I was totally out of luck in the sleep department!!

By then, I had crossed into the point of no return.  I knew it would be impossible for me to have that early start and be on the bus, never mind spending the day with my dad.  I could not be good company at all!  Imagine my relief when I called him, and was told that he too had a very restless night, and was happy to have the visit postponed.

And in the meanwhile, my neighbour (remember the I worried would be bothered by the noise?) asked me to kitty-sit her cat today.

Now I better go and clean up the glass.  It's going to be a great day, yes...?

CREATING A WEB SITE...

Yesterday, I spent a good part of the afternoon putting together a web site.  It's something I've wanted to do for quite a while now, and finally got down to doing it.

Now, I already have a blog going here, and I'm very active on a social network, so why would I want to expand into a web site?  I'm no one special, I don't really have a business, what is interesting to me may be deadly boring to someone else.  I've considered all of that, and decided that I still wanted to go ahead with this endeavour.

I am a person of eclectic and varied interests, and I wanted these represented under one "roof", so to speak, a place where I can talk about my dreams and the Craft, my needlework and the weddings in a more compact and concentrated environment.

Yesterday afternoon proved to me how challenging this digital construction can be.  It is exacting work, even though the html coding is taken care of for me.  And even after it's all put together and launched, it will always be a work in progress.  There will always be new information to add, I will need to tweak the site constantly, that sort of thing.

It's exciting, and it's scary, putting myself out there like that.  I love the technology that is making this possible, because I read about it long before all this became a reality through my science fiction books. To see it all come around in a usable way is amazing.

So, that's my blog for the day.  I hope to have a bit of a launch party once the site is ready to make its public appearance, and I hope you will all attend!!

Things that Make me Happy...

Continuing with the one-blog-a-day, this morning I thought I'd talk about things that make me happy.  So, in no particular order, here we go:

Early mornings, when it's still dark out.  I love to watch the dawn light the day.
Candles and Incense - with these I light these early mornings.
Facebook - yes, I admit it freely!  Facebook connects me with my friends around the world.
Good art - I'm so grateful to local artists whose work adorns my walls!
Needles - knitting needles, embroidery needles, sewing needles, tapestry needles...
Tea - need I say more!?
My dad - who has just celebrated his 95th birthday!
Being alone - I do love being cocooned in my apartment, in silence, in the candle-lit morning darkness...
My friends - getting together for tea.
Writing - words are so powerful!
Reading - words are so powerful!
Good food - I love cooking and all that goes into preparation of food.
Dreams and dreaming - my alternate life, which takes me away each night.
Red Tent meetings - getting together with the women is a joy!
Winter - well, more specifically, the cool temperatures, which gives me more energy and drive.
Priestesshood - connecting with the Gods daily.
Meditation - connecting me with my spiritual self.
Weddings - I so love officiating weddings!!
My apartment - finally, a place I feel totally comfortable in!
My neighbour - the great and artistic Deborah.
My family - in spite of their quirks, I love them!
Canada - what a great country!
Hamilton - what a great city!
Studies - never stop learning.
Teaching - whenever opportunity arises.
Holy Clothing garments - such luxury!
GypsyWitch bling - such decadence! (Especially when combined with Holy Clothing garments.)
TV - yes, too much of it, I'm not even going to try and justify it - lol!
Games - POGO games in particular.
Retirement - now that I'm finally getting used to it.
Travel - so exciting when I can go visit others in far-flung places!
My life - and all that I was involved with, which brought me to this point.

There is more, much more, but that's enough for the moment.  I'm so grateful for it all!!

MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER...

This morning, I woke up and thought of my mother.

Here I am, almost 67 years old, and I suddenly was missing her horribly!  I would so have loved to just sit down and have a chat with her!  So, through this blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do:

Hello, Mama - I'm so happy to see you again!  Please, sit down here while I make us some tea. There, I see you still take it clear, with a squeeze of lemon.

Do you remember when we moved to Toronto from Venezuela?  What a change that was for us!  My brothers and I haven't seen snow - well, I did, because I recall seeing it in Europe - but it was still fresh and wondrously new for us kids.  And then, you and I found ourselves alone - after that horrible fight with dad, which left us so divided...

But let's speak now of happier times.  I remember many things about you, the what I recall most was your love for sewing.  I believe we lived on Havelock Avenue in Toronto at that time when I first became aware of this fully.  Oh, I've seen you sew before, and remember how you actually used to sew all those crinolines from home - spending countless hours buried in tulle and satin and ribbons - in order to support us!  Have I ever thanked you for that?  Well, I'm thanking you now, with deep heart-felt appreciation.  You taught me that with enough will-power and hard work, one can overcome almost any adversity!

But what I'm thinking of more specifically here is the times we spent doing hems, or the more creative embroidery and cross-stitching projects.  It was at times like that, with the lights dimmed, except on our work, in the comfort of our living room, with the radio playing classical music, that I was happiest.  I connected with you the most then.

And no matter how tired you were from working (I remember you went on to work in factories, then in a watch-making office, and finally, as a sales-lady in Simpson's Sears), no matter how tired you were, you always found time to take me to concerts every Sunday afternoon at Massey Hall, or attend at the Astronomy lectures I was so involved with.  And the recitals that I used to play in - do you remember how you fussed over me, to make sure I now only sounded good, but also looked my best?  You used to buy me dresses of chiffon and organza, so I would feel the sense of occasion as I stepped out on that stage!  Have I ever thanked you for that, Mama?  I am deeply grateful, and do thank you now.

Our lives were not always that easy.  There were times, Mama, when I confess I was afraid of you.  You were a very strict disciplinarian, and you never quite understood the Canadian way of life.  You were afraid of it, afraid of the free and easy way the girls seemed to be in this country.  And you were so afraid I would follow in their ways.  You used to have this way of going very cold and silent for weeks, and during those times I would not be able to approach you at all.  I felt very lonely, confused and bewildered, unable to understand what I've done wrong.  But always, these times passed, and as we once again took up our stitching, all would be well between us.  Many years later, I began to understand and for this too, I thank you.

It is now just passed New Year 2012.  And thinking of this time, I recall the many times you took me to wonderful New Year's parties!  I remember one in particular - the house appeared like a mansion to me, so elegant and all glittery with Christmas lights.  I think the year was around 1965.  Strange - I don't recall the name of the people who hosted it, but I do remember it was bitterly cold with deep snow all around.  I wore my turquoise organza gown, and my hair was pulled back into a dramatic up-do.  It was a night filled with music we created ourselves.  There were singers singing operatic arias, and I took my place among the musicians at the piano.  Mendelssohn's "Capricio" - yes, that's what I played that night!  As midnight drew close, the Champaign started flowing.  That was the first time I tasted the Bubbly, and giggled as it fizzed in my mouth...

You were absolutely a-glow when you found out I was pregnant with your first grandchild!  And then came the twins, and then another son.  You were scared for me - so many babies so close together!  And yet all turned out all right.  You used to delight in coming to where my husband and I lived and spent so much time with the little ones!  Sadly, you were no longer with us when the last of my children was born - you would have doted on him too, I know this!

You loved to soak up the sun, and sadly that was your undoing.  You developed skin cancer, and eventually, another cancer claimed you.  You passed away after a brief but fierce battle with that dreaded disease.  I am grateful that I saw you only two nights before your passing - I knew it would be the last time I kissed you.

Since then, I have seen you often in my dreams.  You would visit me, talk to me, encourage me, and finally, about two years ago, you came to me one last time.  You said it was now time for you to be reborn and reincarnated.  I was very, very happy to hear that!

I will never forget you as you were, when you were my mother, who gave me birth and life, who kept me on the straight and narrow, and who have taught me so much!!  Here, in the memories of my heart, I shall visit with you often as you have been.

And as you start your life a-new, I wish you only joy and blessings!

WHAT I WAS...

At this moment, I am preparing for my next assignment on a course I am taking, and this required me to dig back through my journals for certain information.  Of course, I got caught up reading other entries and was struck by how in my life, one small event led to another, and then another, creating who I am today.

My past is a part of me - right from my birth, I experience events, small and large, that shapes me, and molds me and define me and then redefine me.  My life is a constant evolution.  Sometimes, it changes in a matter of a split-second, and at other times it is a slow, gradual process, a dawning of realization that overtakes and overwhelms me.

Within me resides the small child that used to dance, cry from scraped knees and curl up on my father's knees as he read me stories.  Within me resides the Maiden, newly blossomed into Moon cycles, exploring the joys of make-up and wondering at the changes going on in body, emotions and thoughts.  I carry within me The Mother, giving birth to five children, then realizing the need to change again to meet each individual child's needs.  It's like I had to be on many different levels at once!

And now, another transition that I am undergoing - going fully into Cronehood, shedding, letting go, holding close, opening up, closing down, keeping up, tearing down!  And at the same time, knowing that what I was I still am, what I experienced is still with me.  The memories are vivid, internal photographs and videos, of good times, bad times, every day events and monumental insights that flooded my being - all are here, within me.

What I have just written is nothing new - everyone experiences this in one way or another.  But it happened to me, and therefore was seen, absorbed and assimilated in a unique way.  Because it happens to everyone, these changes also bind me to others.  Because its intensely personal creates barriers.

My journals have taken on a greater meaning of importance to me this morning, showing me that what I was and what I am and what I will be.  Life didn't work out the way I had planned, but it worked out the way it was supposed to.

And now, I am standing on the brink of new experiences and a new life unfolding before me, and I once again feel brand new, like a Phoenix reborn, like Maiden again...

A DREAM...

I really don't see any reason why my dreams shouldn't count for my "one blog a day", and this being the first dream of 2012, it should definately count for something!I am in a park, and it's getting close to nightfall.  A young child joins me, and asks if he could walk with me, since he doesn't live that far from me.  I agree and take him by the hand.  Before we could go anywhere, two men approach us.  One of them has a rifle and the other a large flashlight.  In spite of their menicing appearance, I do not feel frightened, and tell them that we're just on our way home.  They go off on their patrol, leaving the boy and me to continue on our way.

It suddenly starts getting very cold, and by the time we reach a small hill, we see that it's all icy.  This terrifies me, because such "slippery slopes" become trecherous under my feet.  Nevertheless, I see a small patch of dry land to our left and divert our journey there.  Slowly and carefully, we make our way down and land in a pile of fabric scraps.  With a shock, I realize that it's all my fabrics which I threw out.  I recognize the burgundy velvet, and a number of satins as well as some checkered and plaid material.  When I pick these up I recall how a male friend tried on the outfit - a very Norse one - consisting of a pair of pants and a tunic.  I remember telling him that I still need to make a shirt to go under that tunic.I tell the boy that we need to pick all this up and put it in the trash, so it wouldn't litter the place, and together we take armloads to the two bins that are not too far off.  I am dismayed to see that they're all filled up, and as we try and fit the scraps into the bins, the two men come by again.  One of them, seeing what we were up to, goes and fetches another bin and that takes care of the litter problem.

The dream shifts and it is now some time later.  I find myself on a train going on a trip.   My anticipation for a quiet and peaceful journey is cut short when a man comes by with his pet tiger.  The animal takes an instant liking to me, and settles itself on the empty seat next to me, while the man tells me I should not be afraid of petting it.  The tiger seems to just melt into my hand, as I hesitently put it out, and drops its huge head into my lap.  The man, who I now see is quite an eccentric character, dressed all in a colourful motley suit, laughs softly, and in spite of my fear, I suddenly feel distinctly honoured.

*******

Yes, I think this is a very good beginning to my dreams for the New Year!

2011 IN REVIEW

A week or so ago, I have accepted a challenge of writing a blog/Note a day for the next year and a day. So, starting today, I shall begin...

The year 2011 has been one filled with amazing twists and turns, letting go and letting in.  Turning points, defining moments, friends lost and gained, of moving out and moving on.  

January 1st began a frenzy of packing and preparations to move from a house I lived in for some 10 years.  February 1st saw me move into an apartment building, a box within a box type accommodations, and I had no idea what was in store for me here.  But I settled in quickly and really loved the feeling of security.  It was somethng brand new, a clean slate.  It involved another huge purge  which made me feel as though I was closing chapters in my life.  And beginning new ones.

Shortly after I moved in, I realized that friends who were instrumental in making this move happen began to make my life unpleasant.  I ended the friendships and realized I'd have to live with the discomfort of being in the same building together.  But new friends moved in, the Red Tent flourished...

My health took a downturn this summer.  Back in September I wrote the following: 

1. " Insomnia – it’s been about two months since I’ve had a run of solid nights’ sleep.  Very few dreams, and every night it’s a struggle.  Even naps are difficult to achieve, and I don’t remember the last time I had one.
2. I am wondering if my decision to not work any more may be contributing to this feeling – like it’s a let-down.  There are many projects I have at home to keep me busy, but again, the low energy is interfering with any sort of production.
3. I keep saying that if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was depressed.  I’ve had this feeling before, many times – low energy, inability to sleep, avoiding contact with other people (Moot is on tonight, but I can’t go.  It’s also Felix’s birthday, and I couldn’t attend his party), not able to think clearly, totally unmotivated to do the simplest task, nothing holding my attention or delighting me any more.
4. I’ve been absent from my Priestess duties.  Mabon came and went, but I had no ritual or ceremony.  And yet, with this like with any other venture, it’s difficult to get motivated.
5. The continuing heat is weighing me down very much.  The idea of going out for a walk or to go swimming is quickly rejected because I feel I’m going to pass out every time I set foot outside."

Dizzy spells began to overwhelm me in June, and as a result of that I had to find myself a new doctor and give up work.  It took me a long time to realize how deeply this affected me, especially the retirement.  I remember waking up one morning after a horrible night of tossing and turning, and realizing that never again would I be doing certain things - never again, would I be looking for a job, or anticipating a new assignment, or worrying about that next paycheque.  Never would I have to hurry to catch the bus and think what I should pack for lunch.  It was over.  Done.  

I looked forward to this day, when I would stop working, so I could "really start working", but when it came, I found the adjustment very difficult.  No structure to the day, except what I impose on myself, meant a new way of time-management and self-discipline.  It was a difficult concept to grasp, much less implement.  The summer heat did not help - I had to finally acknowledge that summers were getting worse and worse for my health.  In spite of two AC's running at full capacity 24/7, I found myself burning up, unable to breathe, unable to enjoy the beauty of the mountain from my balcony, because going out onto the balcony meant sufficating in the stifling heat and humidity.  Summer festivals like WiccanFest would now be out of my life because of this - another closure.  

And so I gave myself over to grieving and mourning for huge parts of my life that have come to a halt.  It was as inevitable as my next breath, as birth and death, just another milestone on the road of Life.  Of course, I didn't recognize this as grieving and mourning, but I did recognize this as depression.  It had to run its course, and once it did I emerged a little bit wiser, a little bit lighter, and able to see around me a little bit more clearly.

While all this was going on, there were some great things happening too - contact with my father, the evolution of The Red Tent, taking studies from Wise Woman's University, my duties as wedding officiant - all these enhanced my life, filling in the spaces of what I had to let go of.  

And now, on the brink of the New Year, I stand at the edge of something brand a new.  Like a Phoenix reborn, like a serpant whose skin has been shed, I throw wide my arms to welcome whatever challenges come my way.  

I am a Crone, and I am ready to take my place among the Wise Women!!

Happy New Year!!